DatonK Need to blow

[DatonK]

Sorry Guys if i don't let it out i'll go to pieces. My hearing for DLA was today out come of it I am not at the right level of illness for it.  Well F* me two weeks having to have my wife wash dress and feed me not to add sitting needing her to free locked areas of my body off. The Doctor on the panel didn't even understand what FMS does to a people he said it is local pain in one area of the body He didn't even understand the 18 trigger points in the body He went on to say was i sure i needed to be on all the meds i was on this is what someone with chronic pain would be on  .

The OT person said in her words i had just given up on walking up and down stairs. I put too much on my wife i could do a meal if i needed too.  Well F* me if not another doesn't understand that FM drains you So i used the spoons on them and the only person that got it was the judge all medical or OT didn't understand even when the judge said what i was saying is that it takes more to do anything than them they didn't believe me or my wife that she got me dressed today and even when my throat started locking up they said i was putting it on till the judge said are you ok  Mr S what can be done and plus my leg started jumping and only the judge could see the pain and said to the other 2 that he could see it was hurting me and wasn't put on.  We were sent out and when we were called back in he said i am sorry but you have to have two out of the three see how you are I could but the others couldn't.  He did say to apply for PIP but he feels that as FMS is an up and down illness if that was to come back i would be made to sign on at the jobcentre and he could see i couldn't work.

Oh To top it all off the infection has come out in my throat and bladder so more pills that happened on friday saturday  But didn't show up till sunday. So had a day of IV drugs and now more pills for two weeks.

I just wish God would come and take me home. I am living in Hell at the moment. To add to being turned down my wife has said i can start doing more as the OT and doctor said i was milking it and don't think about asking me to do thing for you you can start doing them yourself. 

anyone got a gun to put me down shot me kill me i am just a waste of space.  Just a number that is cost everyone to much.  It so true FMS will not kill you but you end up wanting to kill yourself from it all.  Hell what a life i am living do they not understand when i was 32 i walked 10 miles a day now at 40 i am lucky if i can do 10 yards before having to stop.  OH and to add to it as i have a mobility scooter i should be ok. what the F* if i am up to using it.   

[foxgrove]

 

[countryboy]

Hey Ken,

You should have asked the dumb shit who was going to get the scooter up and down steps and load and unload it in the car so you could go all this good stuff for yourself.  What an ass. 

[ronr]

 

[looneylane]

   

[Barberian]

I'm sorry I didn't write yesterday when I saw this. I can see the pain and frustration in what you wrote. I needed some time to process this. I've been near suicidal before, and this hit a bit close to home for me. I truly wish "able bodied" people understood what disabled and those in chronic pain have to deal with on a daily basis. Unfortunately, the only way for that to happen is for them to become disabled and/or in chronic pain themselves, even for a short time. Also unfortunately, most people would then say "I healed, why can't you"? Which would put us back at square one.

I know the "good times" may be few and far between for you. The only thing I can suggest is that you try to remember the ones you had, and try to think of some way to make more, even little ones. Events where it takes little to no effort. Sitting in the yard and watching the sun go down with someone you care about, telling stories or just enjoying the peace and quiet. It could be anything, let your imagination run wild. Sometimes that alone can bring a sense of inner peace to me.

Can you appeal the boards decision? Can you get a lawyer, even if it's a pro-bono one? The sun will come up tomorrow, and with it, new challenges and opportunities.

Don't be ashamed the pain and hardships. Live them, learn from them, grow from them. Then come out the far side a stronger person. 

[Robby]

I also didn't post yesterday because I wanted to think on it first. If I had posted yesterday it would have been very ugly indeed. I am so sorry, I have no clue what to tell you, I'm just flabbergasted.

[DatonK]

Thanks Guys  I am in a bit better place today but it has been very dark. One thing is I will never take my own live but it doesn't stop me asking my Lord and Father of all to call me home. 

Live is a B* at times.  As so many of my friends have told me God doesn't pay the wrong doers in kind. If God feels fit that they have just 1 week of what I have to live each day every day then I'll not ask him to make it more. 1 day in any of our shoes would be more pay than they need to feel. I know can still hold my head up in public. How many of these people are just puppets to the government and at the end of the day just ticking boxes to keep the ill poor.

Barberian i have a new claim in a good friend has told me if a claim is over 12 months old you lose out comes down to the back pay mine was nearly 2yrs. If the new claim fails i'll just have to keep going till my OT team say it can't go on and step in and fight it for me.
 

[ronr]

Take light in the fact that you did influence the judge.  With time maybe the others will be able to see the reality of it all.

[DatonK]

So true  the judge did see it and if the others get illness they may see it as well.

Knowing that the judge understood me goes a long way and i am sure if it hadn't been so many months back pay the doctor could've been won round by the judge it may of been that the doctor and ot were close to the numbers for the month.

[foxgrove]

At least there is one kind and compassionate judge still left in Britain.  The other two will get to explain their position to the Lord one day... I prefer being on this side of that argument, thank you very much!!  I don't think the other position will fare as well!

But as for us lonely folk, so glad you've got your papers in again.  Don't give up brother.  Keep fighting and we'll keep praying. 

[denny]

I knoww that dark place.

[DEL]

You didn't deserve the way they they treated you. I hate it because even though we've never met in person I consider
you a Brother in Christ and the system in both of our countries seem hell bent on humiliating us. God Bless You, Brother.

[DatonK]

Not been on in a few days a) I ended up in the dark place again and b)  pain hit hard along you leg jumping how i hate the dancing leg at best of times but when pain is high and mood low it near did me in thanks to my dad making me laugh it started the long pull up the dark sided of the dark hole I keep finding myself in these days. All i have done most of the afternoon is weep and cry most of the time not knowing way. I made my Tea and eat it with tears falling down my face. 

One thing I must do is come to this post and re read what real ture feeling guys have said and it is right No person should be made to feel like this.  I also need to be close to God in need to feel he still loves me which i know he does but I have not had a real special chat in our special place just him and me chatting about anything and everything from tuesday.  I have prayed but not sat and chatted more like pick the phone up said my stuff at top speed and hung up on him. or call in and quickly said it all and out the door before he has had time to put the kettle on or even got to the door to stop me running out on him. Today hurt real bad as it is Palm Sunday A day I look forward to even tho i can't walk the bare Tree cross in at the start of the service to have it dressed with whip, crown, sign, bead, cup, money, purple cloak, to name a few items that played a part it what was to come all are place on or around the cross all but the nails and hammer they come on good friday when someone hammers a nail into the wood and that noise of metal on metal ringing in your ears as someone say they nailed him to the cross.  I have had the role of hammering the wood and doing it the first time moved me made me think why. Why did it have to end this way?  Why did the garud not stop i know i wanted to stop I wanted to cry. I also wanted to stop and knee at the cross with hammer and nails in my hands and say sorry I put you on the cross I as good as hammed them into him myself. 

The second time i had the role i ran it past the minister about me hammering in the nail and then kneeling and praying forgive me forgive me forgive me. He said do it I not say anything to anyone other than the reader.  The reader that day read the words they nailed him to the cross and stopped for the ringing of the hammer and then as i went down he also went down and we both said forgive me three time. But what i didn't know as i dropped to my knees i had dropped the other two nails and they had fell cross over each other.  This was seen by the front row and they also said forgive me lord.  When i looked at it i was moved and i said to the reader how did they full like that he winked and said they lord placed them like that.  That was to be the start of my blessing as from that day to 2011 I was the person blessed to carry in the dressed cross in flowers. I didn't know i was going to do that on sunday all i knew was i was going to ask for my girls hand that year was 1994. The last time was the year i started to be ill and couldn't do it in 2012. But this illness is not going to take it all from me I am going to fight back and carry it in again.

[Hollywood]

Dam i just wrote a long reply and poof , it went into cyberspace.

Dayton..I just can say, I am right there with you. I totally understand your pain and suffering. I am so glad you shared your experience about palm sunday. It is Great that you still have your faith. I am farther from God than I have ever been. I feel like he just left the building. and I can't find him. Never been like this in my life.
Just can't find him.

Your post gave me some hope that he is still watching out for us. Thankyou for posting what you did. It helped and really moved me. Maybe the lord is watching over us even when we can't feel him.

Sorry for your suffering and at the same time, thanks for sharing and giving me some strength. And making me realize how selfish I have been to this forum. I need to start giving back support. And lay off my complaining for a while.

Humbling , Stephen