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Some what not true stories

Started by Robby, April 20, 2015, 12:54:42 PM

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Robby

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought, and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.



Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...
Dear Friend,
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing ... he was enjoying this religious experience, too!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
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I will put you in the trunk, and help people look for you, DON'T TEST ME.

foxgrove

Where God leads, His hand always provides
...so keep Calm and code on....

Foxgrove

looneylane


countryboy

These 'oldies but goodies' seem to bring a tear to the eye.  Especially after laughing so hard.   ;)
IT IS BETTER TO BE CONSIDERED A FOOL, THAN TO
OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND REMOVE ALL DOUBT.   But
UNFORTUNTELY MOST PEOPLE REFUSE TO LEAVE ANY DOUBT.  -unknown-

ANY FOOL CAN CRITICIZE, CONDEM AND COMPLAIN --
AND MOST FOOLS DO.   'Benjamin Franklin'

Robby

The Halloween Surprise
A MARRIED couple were invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had had. He said, "Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... The guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"
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I will put you in the trunk, and help people look for you, DON'T TEST ME.

Robby

This man was asked how he managed to survive back in the day...he responds with this priceless response and how he'd want those days back again.

My mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread butter on bread on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.
Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e. Coli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake or at the beach instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

We all took Phys Ed ..... And risked permanent injury with a pair of PF Flyers instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors that cost as much as a small car. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.

We got the paddle for doing something wrong at school, they used to call it discipline yet we all grew up to accept the rules and to honor & respect those older than us. We had 40 kids in our class and we all learned to read and write, do math and spell almost all the words needed to write a grammatically correct letter.

Staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention we wish we hadn't got.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself. I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or Netflix. We weren't!!

Oh yeah ... And where was the antibiotics and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? Could I have been killed!

We played "King of the Hill" on piles of gravel left on vacant building sites and when we got hurt, mom pulled out the bottle of iodine and then we got our backside spanked. Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10 day dose of antibiotics and then mom calls the lawyer to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?

We never needed to get into group therapy and/or anger management classes. We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!

How did we ever survive?


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I will put you in the trunk, and help people look for you, DON'T TEST ME.

Robby

#6
I just couldn't copy&paste these, so here's the links....

WHEN DISCIPLINE GOES TOO FAR

http://images1.tickld.com/live/articles/a_1149_20141221151546.jpg

THE WORST HAIRDRESSER ATTITUDE EVER

http://trendingstylist.com/worst-hairdresser/

WHO WEARS THE PANTS IN THIS FAMILY

http://trendingstylist.com/fathers-advice/

THE OLD MAN, AND THE SKINNY-DIPPING WOMEN

http://trendingstylist.com/swimming-women/
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I will put you in the trunk, and help people look for you, DON'T TEST ME.

Robby

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I will put you in the trunk, and help people look for you, DON'T TEST ME.

Lonesome George

Almost all of the 1970 things happened in my high school. Except instead of blowing up ants a guy flushed some M80's down the toilet. This was when an M80 was the real thing, not what is out there now.  It blew the sewer pipes out of the wall.  I came into the bathroom right after it went off and water and smoke were everywhere.

No police were called and no prosecution took place. No one would tell who did it.  Pipes were fixed and nothing ever said about it again. Imagine that today.  And yes, guys brought their guns to school in their cars and trucks so they could go hunting after school. We would gang up in the student parking lot to check out each others guns during break or lunch.

Principal would beat your ass with a paddle too if you messed up.

Robby

George, my son graduated in '05, from a backwoods school in Mississippi, come hunting season if you rode through the parking lot there were 4X4's with guns in the window, then there were the 4-wheelers with hard protective gun racks, and even some of Dad's tractors (the 6-8 wheel kind), with guns visiable, and even racks on the rear lifts to carry the deer out, and that was the girls, the boys drove even worse...  :rotfl:

I'm not kidding, there were just as many girls walking around school in mud-boots and camo, as there were guys. There were some of the girls that were more macho than any of the guys. Every once in a while, a girl would show up at school, and drop her keys off at the office, for her Dad, because she had a 200+pound deer in the back of her lifted 4X4, and he was coming to change trucks with her.
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I will put you in the trunk, and help people look for you, DON'T TEST ME.

foxgrove

Well... the 2015 version sounds a little extra made up but maybe that's just a matter of lacale.  The 1970 version was pretty accurate though!
Where God leads, His hand always provides
...so keep Calm and code on....

Foxgrove

Robby

Fox, unfortunately not much of it isn't correct. Some of it doesn't happen every time, but I drove a school bus for a pre-kindergarten for financially troubled families, and as I was letting a child off one day, she ran up to me and threw out her arms for a hug, so I had no choice but hug her. I tried to avoid touching the kids since I'm a man, but when the child throws out their arms you have to hug them, at least I do, I can't hurt a child that way, and I don't want to say no either. I love to hug a child, they are innocent and have such a unconditional love, you never know what love is, until you hug a child.

Anyway, I'm getting off track, Mom saw her arms go up, and me put a arm around her, and as she said I love you, and I repeated it back to you. Mom, started screaming about suing for molesting her daughter. What can you do at a time like that? I didn't say a word, I let my bus monitor talk to her, and as soon as we pulled off, I called the school principal, and my supervisor, to report it. Mom pulled the girl out of school, even with representatives of the non-profit that operated the school visiting her, we were just lucky she didn't press charges. That was the last year I drove a bus. I was not going down with a molestation charge on my record, it wasn't going to happen. So I can believe everything on that list, even if some of it isn't in the news every day.
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I will put you in the trunk, and help people look for you, DON'T TEST ME.

Robby

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I will put you in the trunk, and help people look for you, DON'T TEST ME.

denny

thoses are a bunch of doosies robby!

The ones about 70 vs 15 wasnt funny!
Were in a real pickel here in 15 !
I KNEW IT WAS THE ALIENS!



"FREE ME FROM EXISTANCE"
It is what it is...

looneylane

Robby that is tough stuff! I know my youth group kids couldn't understand why they couldn't come in my office and close the door without my wife there. We knew two pastors who had girls accuse them and they lost their pastoral positions and any chance of working in the church again even tough the girls recanted and said they were looking for attention. It was two years before it came out that they had lied and my then these two young men had lost everything their wives and their churches that they loved. The world jumps and it should when a child says someone abused them but where is the innocent until proven guilty? In the Church especially you are guilty even when proven innocent. I shelter my pastoral care with layers of protection asking people who want privacy to bring a trusted friend or to allow my wife to attend all to protect them and to protect my family from having to deal with anyone who would even consider making a false accusation.

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