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Some what not true stories

Started by Robby, April 20, 2015, 12:54:42 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Robby

    1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

    2. A will is a dead giveaway.

    3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

    4. A backward poet writes inverse.

    5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

    6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

    7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

    8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

    9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

    10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

    11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

    12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

    13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

    14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

    15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

    16. A calendar's days are numbered.

    17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

    18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

    19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

    20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

    21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

    22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

    23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

    24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

    25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

    26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

    27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

    28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

    29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

    30. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

    31. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

    32. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

    33. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

    34. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

    35. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

    36. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

    37. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

    38. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

    39. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    40. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

    41. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

    42. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

    43. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

    44. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

    45. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

    46. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
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I will put you in the trunk, and help people look for you, DON'T TEST ME.

looneylane


foxgrove

... I think I know another guy who's In Seine!!!  :naughty:
Where God leads, His hand always provides
...so keep Calm and code on....

Foxgrove

Robby

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity
   
   



1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point A Hair  Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"

7. Finish All Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't Use Any Punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Hard.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling

"Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......



20. Copy this and Send an  E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile..
It's Called Therapy...
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I will put you in the trunk, and help people look for you, DON'T TEST ME.

foxgrove

Ahhhhh.. sweet therapy!!  Thanks for the giggles.  :budy:
Where God leads, His hand always provides
...so keep Calm and code on....

Foxgrove

ronr

Times are tough when "Happy Hour" is your nap.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely!

Robby

/>----------
I will put you in the trunk, and help people look for you, DON'T TEST ME.

foxgrove

:lmao:  I killed myself laughing when I read that last night!!!  :rotfl:
Where God leads, His hand always provides
...so keep Calm and code on....

Foxgrove

Barberian

Quote from: Robby on June 06, 2016, 01:28:37 PM
Taking the pet lizard to the vet....

http://mommabuzz.com/funny/parents-are-shocked-when-son-runs-into-room-with-shocking-news-what-follows-is-pure-gold/

I saw another version of this yesterday, but it had a closeup picture of a lizards junk sticking out and hard.  :yikes:

Some things just can't be unseen  :insane:


Robby

Quote from: Barberian on June 07, 2016, 01:36:42 AM

I saw another version of this yesterday, but it had a closeup picture of a lizards junk sticking out and hard.  :yikes:

Some things just can't be unseen  :insane:

Glad it was you and not me  :emolaugh:
/>----------
I will put you in the trunk, and help people look for you, DON'T TEST ME.

foxgrove

Quote from: Barberian on June 07, 2016, 01:36:42 AM
Quote from: Robby on June 06, 2016, 01:28:37 PM
Taking the pet lizard to the vet....

http://mommabuzz.com/funny/parents-are-shocked-when-son-runs-into-room-with-shocking-news-what-follows-is-pure-gold/

I saw another version of this yesterday, but it had a closeup picture of a lizards junk sticking out and hard.  :yikes:

Some things just can't be unseen  :insane:

Good grief!!!   ::woody face-palm::

Illustrating a story is one thing... lizard porn... uh.... no!   :insane:
Where God leads, His hand always provides
...so keep Calm and code on....

Foxgrove

Robby

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.


"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "OK. Go ahead."
Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness.
He starts to get nervous. "Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you OK?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit,
he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."


Don't mess with old people!
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I will put you in the trunk, and help people look for you, DON'T TEST ME.

Robby

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I will put you in the trunk, and help people look for you, DON'T TEST ME.

denny

I KNEW IT WAS THE ALIENS!



"FREE ME FROM EXISTANCE"
It is what it is...

Robby

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I will put you in the trunk, and help people look for you, DON'T TEST ME.

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