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Destroyed my .on it or not n a fit of rage.

Started by Barberian, May 21, 2015, 08:58:32 PM

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Barberian

I have been carrying a lot of anger for a long time, from various sources. My anger management control has been compromised from this illness I have had, and the medication I took for pain and the ability to sleep.

I started punching my monitor without even knowing it. After the third punch, I realized what I was  doing. I punched it another twelve times before I could stop myself. R.I.P. monitor. :(

My impulse control, that little part of your brain that stops you from doing stupid shit... Is broken in me. Some times it works, sometimes... Not so much. Part of it is from PTSD, some from medication I have taken care n the past, some from medication I am on now. It just really sucks to be me.

This broken impulse control is why I have to be more careful when I become suicidal. I have to put my knives out of easy reach. I have them near everywhere I spend any time. My psychologist is supposed to make an appointment with me, but hasn't. That is the VA for ya, and he is a department head... I guess actually seeing his patients is to much of a hassle for him. VA care=deny until they die!


Barberian

Spell check hates me this week, mabe much longer.title WAS destroyed my monitor until spellceck got ahold of it


Robby

Quote from: Barberian on May 21, 2015, 08:58:32 PM

My impulse control, that little part of your brain that stops you from doing stupid shit... Is broken in me. Some times it works, sometimes... Not so much.

I've got the same problem, but for the most part it just affects my ability to not say horrible(ly funny) shit. The latest funny episode I was at a parts store trying to find some towing mirrors for my truck, not that I'm going to tow anything, but after driving semi's I have to have those xtra large mirrors, with the seconed (and third and fouth) spot mirrors, anyway the salesman, suggest this thing that you hook under the hood, and the wheel well, and then tight up a fabric strap. Before I even thought this, I said "I don't want a strap-on, my trucks not lesbian". That poor guy, spent the next 6 or 7 minutes trying to remain professional and not laugh. Problem is when I get frustrated, or pissed at someone and say something ugly, I don't mean it that way, it just comes out that way, and I can't stop myself. Although there are times that I do get pissed and throw a fit. I'm known to start picking up stuff and throwing it, I don't hit stuff, it makes my hands hurt, so I throw stuff, works just as good. I always tell me family when I get suicidal, that way they can make sure I don't do something stupid, I'm just scared that one day the fog, or on purpose I don't tell them....
/>----------
I will put you in the trunk, and help people look for you, DON'T TEST ME.

foxgrove

I feel for you brother.  :'(  Sorry to hear you lost control and lost a monitor.  Don't worry too much about the monitor... they're replaceable.  You may want to contact the psychologist that you were supposed to see... annoying people!!... and let them know that things have escalated and you have been having anger episodes.  Who knows, maybe that'll light a fire under their asses!!

I'm glad that you were able to talk about it with us.  I hope it helps to be able to open up like that... I know I often feel like a weight has been lifted just through opening myself up to another person who's willing to listen and not judge.  You've got my ear any time you need it.  Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.  :budy:
Where God leads, His hand always provides
...so keep Calm and code on....

Foxgrove

Robby

I've made this offer to a lot of people here, if you ever need to talk, and don't want to share publicly, pm me, I'll send you my email, and even phone number if needed.
/>----------
I will put you in the trunk, and help people look for you, DON'T TEST ME.

Barberian

Thank robbie. Yes I have received an invitation to talk from you before. I am sorry I never properly responded. When the toys are broken, I fail to play well with others.

I know this is a fibro support site, and I don't meen to bring my mental health issues here, but sometimes it just spills over.

I'm not going to describe how I am doing today. I'll just say I may be here later, maybe not. No self harm. Quite the opposite. I may commit myself, I might be committed by others.

Pain and anger...Pain and anger.


foxgrove

Dude... you NEVER have to apologize to us about bringing your problems here!!!  As well, there is no shame in seeking professional help.  We're right with you on this journey bro.  Keeping you in my thoughts.  :budy:
Where God leads, His hand always provides
...so keep Calm and code on....

Foxgrove

old boy

 :pals:



        :blowup:  Nothing like opening it up and letting it go.   :blowup: Whew.....that feels good...back in the day, old boy had the energy to do a full throttle, valve adjustment, clean-out.  Now. :giveup: :giveup: buttkick..life kicks me in the butt.....oh well. I asorb it. shrug it off. lifes to short, I make up all kinds of excuses for being inadequate in being able to  :blowup: let her GO!  Oh, There was a time ,I had energy enough.  Now days , energy goes into fighting the pain in the body. Maybe its PTSD? my psychologist seems sure. ...oh, one time ,about a year ago,  ..the 19 year old father of my granddaughter and I got into an argument about the fact he should be working and the boy got a job...

      Yes ,cfid's just gives me enough to"exsist" an other energy is quickly burned up in fighting the muscel pain of fibromyalagia. most uncomfortable.....oh. yeah, old boy would love to just let ter go,,,,but aint got the fight left in me. You youngens, be careful, there is an old saying "God,wasted youth on the young!" In our youth ,our bodies and emotions are made to carry lifes emotional load ,whilst one is building a career, a family, providing a home. etc . because God gives us this youthful energy to be used wisely in preparation for these dag burn old days. whew!..but ,in our youth, if this here energy aint being used and gets bottled up. one gets feeling a little on the frustrated side in life!  We don't feel to comfortable being on the "F" side in life and that flows into the bottle up and the story flows as life flows, waiting for no man ,does time.....and before you knows it.. :blowup:

     In societies move to a more suburban way of life ,from the rural life in the country , what the heck, it was nothing you to work all just finding a meal providing for ones loved ones. Stalking game, digging potatoes, running a trout line....etc!  A man and woman had days and days of exerting energy ,just to "Get by" exsist!  In todays world of the suberbinite....one gets into a car ,rides to the market, obtains ones substanance and only has to turn and git back home to cook them vitals, Lifes easy flow....but when the energy builds and there is no release ,the body cant go work it off, hunting ,fishing,trapping....and anger is a negative emotion , nobody wants to see, but we all have. So in this new fan dangled suburbanites society.  where do you "BLOW" on your type writer !  Dudes ,let it out, we love ya , we all have our own little :blowup: and need a place, that wont bother or hurt nobody! let your fingers release the heat! Amen ::Amen:: :giveup: my brothers and sisters in fibro-land.....the land ,that is unfortunately ,not make believe....but a land where a troubled soul can let it go ......we sure aint going to go on hunting and fishing trips ,brothers and sisters,,,,,,but we all here ,listening and reading to each other .our big forum . where a person is allowed to be who is a disabled ,troubled soul. Gods people ,too, SHARE THE INK!

   Don't just let it bottle up, let those fingers do the walking across fibro-land.....we are all hearing you ;;;;thinking of you..and praying for each other.  These are troubled times for us all.   we are all no strangers to pain ,insult and ridicule except maybe country boy..hahaha, but lets "BE " just sometimes you have to "BE" be you and you only, because when we are tired ,when we are worn out, when we are in pain. /we are not allowed to"BE" to be come  .sometimes the ink works..... :pals:

Robby

Like fox said, don't ever worry about letting loose here. Mental health is just as important as physical health. I know I have my own mental health problems, at the moment I have most of mine under control with meds, but that can change any day.
/>----------
I will put you in the trunk, and help people look for you, DON'T TEST ME.

denny

The mental health thing is all part of the fibro expirence!
It needs to be addressed.
You go ahead and let it out barberian!
Know were here to read aand understand.
I pray it helps you!
I KNEW IT WAS THE ALIENS!



"FREE ME FROM EXISTANCE"
It is what it is...

Barberian

#10
R.I.P. 24" my old monitor (in recycle bin). I have new one ordered already. Wife had to do some behind the scenes magic. She is great at that. I can't deal with business or money stuff. Part of my condition(s).  I've spent the last few days outside in the driveway, behind my truck a lot trying to "re-balance" myself. I've been listening to a lot of music. I've been staying away from the Mrs. because she was really afraid of me for a few days. I've told her she is safe as long as I'm not in a rage, and I don't go near her when I'm like that, but still.... I have NEVER struck her in anger, but she has been abused before I came in the picture.

I've settled down quite a bit, but I'm not "right" yet. In another thread, I mentioned my bad neighbors and their dogs. Well the day before this explosion of self, the dogs broke through the fence again. They killed a few of my garden plants, and damaged several more including my cherry tomatoes and big tomatoes. My garden means the world to me. It's been part of my mental recovery. To have it assaulted is a breach of trust I can't put into words. That is in large part why I had such a bad melt down. I still can't talk to the neighbors for fear of what I might do. I won't be able to for any time I can see. It's just something else I will have to swallow along with my pride.

I called the animal control when the dogs were in my yard. It took them an hour or more to show up. They said they can not do anything unless they see the dogs themselves. Pictures and video won't be accepted. Doesn't matter... IT JUST DOESN'T matter how good the vid or pictures are. The animal control officers have to lay eyeballs on the dogs themselves WHILE the dogs are doing something wrong.



looneylane

That is terrible Barberien? They should be able to at least talk to the neighbours if you have evidence.

foxgrove

I won't bring my anger at the aminal control officers into this as i don't want to inflame the issue.  I'm sorry that your garden space, your sanctum was invaded.  That really hurts.. I understand that so much and I have problems with folks who do the same to me.  Remember that they don't suffer if you don't forgive them, it just hurts you.  It will take time but work toward that as it'll allow you to put it in the past and not have to deal with it continually.  Do what you can to fix the damage done so you don't have to see that it's been disturbed.

I hope that things continue to settle for you.  :budy:
Where God leads, His hand always provides
...so keep Calm and code on....

Foxgrove

Barberian

#13
Well, new monitor is in, installed, in use. Love it. Old monitor was a little more square by dimensions (1920 x 1280), which I miss, but meh, new one is nice. 24" Asus (1920 x 1080). I hope I don't have any more meltdown/explosions any time soon. At least not with something valuable in/near the house.

I had been using the monitor from my DVR system, but that left me blind and extremely uncomfortable not being able to see around the house except new cam on my cell phone or tablet. Put DVR monitor back where it was, with new monitor where old one was. I spent a lot more time than normal sitting in lawn chair in the front yard so I could see the 'hood since I broke my old monitor. Now I can enjoy the A/C in the house, play on the puter, and see my DVR system cameras. Supposed to get to 100f by Friday/Saturday. I can't deal with that kind of heat. Eats my will to live.


foxgrove

Glad to hear you were able to upgrade. :biggrin:  Keep moving forward. :bighug:
Where God leads, His hand always provides
...so keep Calm and code on....

Foxgrove

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