Life

[denny]

For example:when I was18 a friend,who was a girl,told me the reason girls weren't asking ME out was because I projected an aire of someone who was already attached.
That was my first inkling the the way I projected myself had a lot to do with my future social and business life.
I did so.
Then  I got sick.
U know,smile when depressed,work when you cant,a and act like you like it...

That way lies MADNESS!
Get it out People! And don't let it out at home either.

We need each other.
I don't care how embarrassing it is, and u know that.
I post about anything and everything because I'm looking for people like me. Or at least let others know they aren't alone on things they didn't want to mention.

This ain't no Game! Real life here.

[foxgrove]

Yes... we sure do need each other.  I find the idea of going back to work now almost depressing due to the amount of time that has passed since I left and the fact that my skill set is incredibly time sensitive... computer programming sits still for no man or woman!!!  I'm not exactly comforted to know that there is a slightly less than 0% chance of me being ABLE to go back to work unless God deems a miracle in order... I can't say that being sick turns my crank... but it is at least some consolation.  Of course, when I got that insurance questionnaire from my long term insurers, it once again turned my emotional world into a nightmare once again as all me fears of being dropped and losing everything once again pop to the surface. 

Why am I so weak of spirit that I let myself be driven mad by these things??  Why can't I just trust that everything will work out OK?  I am most certainly my own worst enemy.  When it comes to people telling me what might happen that are scary, nobody's scenarios are nearly as bad as the ones in my head.  Using all my mind tools on a near constant basis just to keep the smile from being totally plastic.  Anyone else have problems banishing the thoughts from your mind, especially when your body keeps making exclamation points for you?

[Robby]

...Why can't I just trust that everything will work out OK?  I am most certainly my own worst enemy....    Anyone else have problems banishing the thoughts from your mind,...

I am the world's worst at this. But it has been my experience that if it can go wrong it will. My whole life has been one thing after another that wasn't my fault, don't get me wrong I've made my share of bad decisions and I own all of those. But, just like fibro there has been so much that was out of my control that I now just expect the worst.

I worked in a lot of different fields so I feel I could find an entry level job just about anywhere, if my body could hold up that is. But, just going to Wal-mart with Dawn is more than my body will tolerate without complaining, so the thought of trying to work for several hours a day several days a week is just downright scary. Although right now I may just have to if I can find something sitting down.

But, also I worry about my Social Security check, I've used up most of my "trial work period", once that is used up then they will start cutting my check and I can't afford for that to happen. Because, I can't hold out to work enough to provide what we need for more than a couple of months, if that long.

Damned if you do, Screwed if you don't

[denny]

I do it too.
I've been unemployed more than employed in my life.
The last job I did 5yrs part time as a glazer and while I learned many useful skills for around the house I could not go back to it.
I burnt that bridge. or rather my body did.

Why will your bennies be cut after your trial work period Robby?
Never even heard of that.

[Robby]

Why will your bennies be cut after your trial work period Robby?
Never even heard of that.

AFter the trial work period, if you earn over the SGA, for every two dollars over you earn they cut one dollar of your check, depending on how much you earn you lose your check.

My luck I'll lose most of my check, and then the fibro will kick in again and I'll have to go back to just the SSA, but it will be gone, and once you lose it you don't get it back. Unless you start all over.

[denny]

Im certainly glad I didn't go that route.
I just took the money and ran I guess.
Is it a state thing?

[ronr]

Robby,

the trial work period is just that, a trial without penalties is the way i understand it. unless you are still working it should not have any bearing on your pay.  it just didn't work ou, thank you FiBro body.

[denny]

How bout you Ron?
I'd be good for you.

[ronr]

The trial work period you mean ?

Been there, Done that!

start of the week with over four hours before I was crawling out.  Every day was consistently less time and could not make a full week.  By Fri. I could not even crawl in for three or more days.  Had to prove that more than once.  If they would let me do something when my body was ready I could do more but that doesn't quite conform to most any employers schedules.   Coupled with a brain that comes and goes, well ...

[denny]

Actuly I just meant to spill it for once...more.
But that's a good start.

[Robby]

I found one job that my body was allowing me to do, even though it did complain. That was a "in-home call center". Instead of going into a big call center, I was able to work over the internet from home. Until my internet crapped out. It had been a problem from the beginning but it got so bad I couldn't stay connected for more than two or three minutes at a time. But now I did have several negative marks because my brain just would not remember all the training and I would forget how to do things.

But other than that I was like ron, every day was a smaller amount of time I could work than the day before. I got really desperate for money one time and went to work at McDonalds. That lasted a couple of weeks four years ago, and I'm still paying for it to this day. Just never have recovered to pre-McDonalds levels.

Not to mention my brain is getting worse all the time. With my body and brain both getting worse my nerves are getting worse, I'm suffering from depression, anxiety...well you know the whole gambut of emotions. I don't see me ever going back to work, but that doesn't stop me from trying to think of somewhere I could be useful and actually have my body hold up. I would have to be careful not to go over the SGA, but in my condition I don't think it would be a problem.

[denny]

I remember most of that robby.
A king bitch.

Sometime in the past I got it in my head,if I couldn't work I would work at making others jobs easier.
Don't always work out. People got there jobs all worked out and trying to help only servers to slow them down. Sometimes made them angry.

[ronr]

Not to mention my brain is getting worse all the time.

BIG trouble getting my body and/or brain started let alone both at the same time.  Then there's that thing of keeping them going the right and same direction for any length of time.  Trying to do that according to someone's pre-determined schedule seems like Mt. Everest.  Sometimes just breathing can feel like that when the knives are stabbing at the body.

[foxgrove]

Pre-determined schedules... the stuff of my nightmares now!